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(no subject) [Mar. 28th, 2009|02:33 am]
There is something wrong. I can't fix it because I don't have time to. I have just about forgotten how to hang out with my friends. I got incredibly frustrated today when we played cranium. I was such a grouch, and I hate the way I am when I'm in a bad mood. I don't know why I was such as jerk, I just couldn't help it... no that is a lame excuse. I'm just a jerk I guess. I was stuck on a team with Tom, and he kind of drives me crazy at games, and we got killed, and that's not a big deal. My patience was on edge because no one was paying attention, but I think what really sent me over the edge is my stupid flippin' unconscious jealousy of my roommates having someone there for them. They have boyfriends, and lately I feel like they have each other more than I have either of them. I know it's mostly because they have more similar schedules and they both like to go work out, and also because my fantastical mind is blowing things way out of proportion. But it still sucks when you realize that you can't hang out with them or do much of anything because you have homework, or if you don't have homework you have to go to a meeting, and if you dont have to go to a meeting you have to do something for Ad club, or PRSSA, or Grand PR, or AMA. And then if I'm not doing that I have my 20 hour job I need to do. Then if I'm not doing that I am going to dance troupe. And then If Im not doing that I'm doing the essentials like showering and sleeping and eating. I watch TV for a little while everyday, but I can only justify it by eating concurrently. I go on facebook, email, and twitter too much, but that's only when I'm working or doing homework. Last week I went and just hung out with everyone and it put me behind so much. I dont have a free moment. I can't stand it much longer... thank god I only have a couple more weeks. Next week is going to be intense. I start my internship, but my job goes down to 10 hours, but also I have hell week and then I have the Beta Gamma Sigma induction.

I wish I had a boyfriend... just so I had someone to talk to that actually wanted to hear me talk. :-/ I know I drive my roommates crazy and I feel so bad about it. It's not their fault I drive them nuts talking about myself, and not pulling my weight around the house, and complaining about how busy I am. They are busy too... why should I get any attention for it? I shouldn't that's why. This summer I'm going to be happy because I'll have so much time, but by then everyone will have gone home. I'll have jackie, but she says she will be insanely busy so I'll probably just drive her crazy, and sam packer, but I don't know what her story is.

I want to have more friends. I'm pretty sure the only ones I have are jackie, colleen, and Sam. Then on occasion I hang out with Oksana. Then I have school friends, but they aren't around on Friday nights when I have nothing to do. I wouldn't see anyone if it wasn't for Colleen and Jackie having their boyfriends over. And sammmy brings Lance, so that's how I see him. Then on occasion I'll pass someone on the way to the bus stop. I see some of the guys at our volleyball games.

*sigh* I'm just tired and frustrated and lonely and a bit more stressed then I realized apparently.

How pathetic.
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(no subject) [Jan. 3rd, 2009|01:28 am]
The new year's resolutions from last year:

.1. Get better at snowboarding
.2. Get down to 135 (preferably 130)
.3. Either get over him or tell him how I feel
.4. Kiss at least one boy
.5. Refuse to settle on a guy
.6. Make the best out of every situation and be optimistic

Well... I guess I'll start at the top.

.1. I did get better at snowboarding. I finally hit a jump, even though it was more of a bump in the hill, but all together everyone has noticed that I'm getting faster. I went on my first black diamond. I don't know if it really counts because it was at Mt. Brighton, which is a pathetic excuse for a mountain. I'm still proud of myself though... sooo I guess we will say resolution accomplished!

.2. FAIL! I horribly failed...

.3. I did both proudly. At the beginning of the year, I ended up telling him. After he told me that he wished he had met me first. Meaning that he wished he could have had a chance to date me before he met his soulmate, but it still wouldn't work out in the end. I did get over him though. I have been over him so long at this point that I sometimes forget that I was ever so head over heels for him. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the guy I fell for has disappeared and will probably never come back, and even if he did... things could never be the same.

.4. I kissed 2.

.5. Fail... but I learned my lesson. I settled... realized what I had done, and now I'm happily one of the pickiest girls in the world. yay me... :-/

.6. I think I have done a pretty good job at this one. I can't say I have let anything really get me down. The whole Greg thing took a toll on me... and sometimes does still bother me... but I try to look on the bright side that I did learn something from being such a dummy.

Overall 2008 was a pretty good year.
Especially going to Australia and New Zealand.
And that I actually joined all the clubs I wanted to... and made friends in my classes for the first time.

Everything changes over the course of a year. I wonder what this year will bring me...
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Back from the dead. [May. 31st, 2008|12:36 pm]
I don't believe that many people at all look at this journal... which may be why I am unafraid to write this. I wrote this today... after reading old journal entries about someone who I spent too much time thinking of.

You were only in my head.
I had built you up into something that, now that I have my eyes open, I can see you are not. I put you on a pedestal in my heart and hoped you would not let me down. And I caused myself more pain than I am willing to admit. For a long time I blamed you, believing that it was your fault for not seeing what there was potential for between us. I thought that you were foolishly in love with someone because they quickly were a comfort more than a love. I now understand that the one who was foolish was me. I spent too much time making you out to be the one in my mind, and our fun times together only seemed to confirm the image I had produced. But eventually I stepped back to find that the person I was in love with, that I spent all my time torturing myself for, was only a figment of my imagination. A man who I may have known briefly before, but quickly became blind to his changes in personality. Or maybe I was blind in the beginning. This does not make you any less great, only just less perfect in my eyes, which is ultimately a positive consequence.
It is amazing to realize the tricks that one's own mind can play on them. It is astonishing how easily the heart can be blinded by the mind's imagination. And how if you tell yourself something is true long enough your heart is destined to take it as a truth. These falsehoods set forth by the imagination can have such a stronghold on the heart as to make one fight passionately against all who speak out against it. But maybe there is no merit in proclaiming a difference between a truth and a falsity. Maybe because each person has their own heart that has been imposed upon in different ways according to the inner thoughts of its owner, there is no way to determine what is really true when speaking of matters dealing with the heart and soul. Especially when one can convince their own heart to believe any truth or lie with a certain amount of persistence, and that no one else can feel the emotions that provoke the mind.
For in the end we are all creatures of limit.
We shall all one day perish and what feelings we had or didn't have or believed we might have had will be useless to our insignificance in comparison to the universe.

This may seem unforgiving on the matters of the heart, but it has occurred to me that it is valid considering the confusion all go through when trying to figure out what their heart is saying. It is hard to understand a heart that has been tainted by the imposition of the mind's view of what is true and false.
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It's 2008!! [Jan. 1st, 2008|12:45 pm]
Sooo it's 2008 and the only reason I like doing new years resolutions is becuase I love looking back on them a year later to see what I really felt was wrong with me. haha. Sooo here are the new ones for 2008:

.1. Get better at snowboarding
.2. Get down to 135 (preferably 130)
.3. Either get over him or tell him how I feel
.4. Kiss at least one boy
.5. Refuse to settle on a guy
.6. Make the best out of every situation and be optimistic

We shall see how all of that goes.
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(no subject) [Dec. 26th, 2007|11:53 pm]
new year resolutions:
- be less stubborn and headstrong
- stop being so selfish
- let go of all the things that happened in highschool for good
- focus on friends and school and having a good time, boys can wait
- be nicer.
- stick with something instead of giving up or loosing sight of it like I usually do.

Sooo those were my new years resolutions last year...
I think I did good on number one... I am quite a bit less headstrong and stubborn. I finally am able to admit when I'm wrong and accept it. Which is a big step I must say.
I don't know if I am less selfish. I am a bit more aware of when I am being selfish... and try to prevent acting selfish... soo maybe that is progress?
I definitly let go of all the highschool drama junk. I made amends where they needed to be made... and I think I have a new slate... that is maybe not clean.. but it is new for sure.
I sucked at not focusing on boys... but I did focus more on friends and school... but I'm still boy crazy... oh well.
I dunno if I'm any nicer than last year. Probably not... I am a ton more sarcastic! hahaha.
I did stick to something. I stuck to the first "diet" ever and ended up loosing 25 pounds so far with it. I also started running and even though I'm taking a break I have not given it up. Not to mention I love my major and minor and don't plan on giving that up.

I still don't know what I am going to resolve for next year... hopefully it will be good.
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Notes from the Lost Writer. [Dec. 8th, 2007|11:09 pm]
Here is some poems I wrote today while listening to the guys play music.

Part 1:
When the world is shaking,
and words you don't mean tumble,
out of your mouth comes sound,
when you wish to remain,
silent fills the miserable space,
between awkward conversations,
that meant nothing from the start.
All that's needed is one,
answer before my heart,
bleeds into my forsaken,
mind you left in the dark.
I hope silent tears,
burn the cut I have yet,
to make a move,
that I don't hate,
you still leave me saying,
things I don't mean tumble,
out of my mouth while waiting,
for you to say something,
all I got is nothing,
nothing at all.

Part 2:
I wish words flowed,
free of inhibition through,
the invisible barriers,
between me and you.
But at the gate I stumble,
dropping all the nerves,
I worked up as,
I tumble,
into my head again.
You play notes that,
I'll never quite understand how,
you can't see through my,
transparent mask of,
words I write to you.
It seems things change,
around me bit,
by bit I still can't let,
go of the way my,
heart beats different around you.

Part 3:
Your a freak messed,
up by the way society,
beat you down.
Since childhood you stood,
out of nowhere you say,
things that don't,
make sense to anyone but,
you seem to be okay with,
everyone staring down their,
pointy noses like God,
deemed them better.
Did you ever have a chance,
to fit in with,
everybody else laughs,
but do you really want,
to be one of them?

Part 4:
The way you smile back,
is like acid dissolving whats left of my heart,
or maybe it's like liquor,
burning as you swallow.
But at the same time you get a high,
because while it's in your system everything's okay,
but time after time,
drink after drink,
smile after smile,
the high wears into a hangover,
like the sun sets into the darkness,
and I realize the smile isn't mine,
and neither are you.
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(no subject) [Jan. 4th, 2007|05:35 am]
Soooo... if you didn't know I'm majoring in Marketing and Advertising. Tonight I got kind of bored and decided to make and ad. George Lange is the photographer who took the pictures I used but if it had been for a clothing company I would have had that name instead.

Tell me what you think!

Channing Tatum AdCollapse )
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I see whats really going on... [Jan. 1st, 2007|05:16 am]
Sometimes I get attached to feeling pain and I hope I get hurt even worse, partly because it makes me feel alive, and partly because I hope you come to my rescue...

is that a sin?

new year resolutions:
- be less stubborn and headstrong
- stop being so selfish
- let go of all the things that happened in highschool for good
- focus on friends and school and having a good time, boys can wait
- be nicer.
- stick with something instead of giving up or loosing sight of it like I usually do.
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and when will the spinning stop? [Dec. 13th, 2006|02:48 am]
I want everyone to just be happy. I hate when people are mad at each other... it makes me sad. I can't help but take a side almost... I dont mean to... but in some cases it just kinda happens.

I love college... and I love my friends.
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And everything goes round and round and up and down [Nov. 16th, 2006|08:40 pm]
Sooo... I'm glad the school part of today is over... I didn't even go to accounting class but latin american civ was short and sweet. I wrote a paper pretty much all day. Im sooo excited about chicago this saturday... pretty much my whole civ class is going and considering I love my civ class... it is going to be sweeeet. :-D

"and he's so funny in his bright red shirt, we were all in love and we all got hurt"

"You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you cant close your heart to things you don't want to feel..."
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